Score:
- Taste: 7.5 / 10
- Texture 5.5 / 10
- Presentation: 7.5 / 10
- Ingredient Quality: 6 / 10
- Structural Integrity: 3 / 10
- Affordability / Ease of Access: 5 / 10
- Final Score: 5.8 / 10
Additional Comments:
This is kind of a mixed bag but if one of the things in the bag was dog shit and as you were mixing it all the dog shit got all over everything else in the bag. The taste was not bad, it looked pretty tasty, but it was SO greasy, and not in a good way. Also, the cheese was almost actively trying to get off the slice. The only way i could keep the cheese on the slice is by using two hands. Two hands? kill yourself. If you make me hold up a slice of pizza like i’m ten and two at the wheel i think you should die in real life. And the droopiness? A lethal dose of cialis couldn’t get this shit up. I cant even focus on the delightful crispness of the pep or the taste of the sauce because i’m too busy trying not to lose half the slice to the fucking void. And my grand prize for getting down to the crust? fucking rubber. You could tell me i’m chewing on a fucking goodyear tire and i would believe you so much id be willing to put my life savings on it. I’d lose my house because of how fucking rubbery this crust is. This pizza is just a big old fuck you to the face with no fries and no drink because fuck you and fuck your momma. this pizza told me my momma sells her food stamps for crack money and that i should kill myself. This is not a metaphor: in a moment of surreal mystique this pizza defied god and became sentient, and chose to use its opportunity as the first sentient non living object in the history of existence to tell me to kill myself, then immediately returned to the dark nothing. The very chains that define our existence were shattered and the face of god was spat on.