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Off the bat there are a couple of things that make this pizza unique: it’s rectangular, it’s tiny, and it’s absurdly cheap. I mean this thing was three fucking dollars, for the price i’m paying for a vito and nicks i could get three of these things. That being said, it is also pretty small. It’s like half the size of any other frozen pizza i’ve had. While everyone loves a cheap price tag, i think the other side of the coin is reflected in the quality of the pizza. I feel it’s counterproductive to say “it looks like cheap gas station food” because, well, it kind of is; but i’ve had some great gas station pizza, this is not one of them. There’s just straight up not enough cheese on the pizza. like visually speaking the sauce to cheese ratio is 1:1. why. literally how frugal is Totinos that they have to skimp on like a dollop more of cheese. You fuckers have a monopoly on the pizza bite game but as soon as you spread that shit out NOW we have money problems? fuck you. Also the crust i’m pretty sure is like those “artisan” flatbread crackers that cost 12 dollars for a 5 pack, it’s really stiff and crunchy which isn’t necessarily bad but when the rest of my pizza already feels like it’s part cardboard we gotta steer clear somewhere. Also there’s no extra crust over the edge of the pizza, where am i supposed to hold it? on the bottom? fuck you. did i mention as im writing this i haven’t even tried the fucking pizza yet? i can’t believe i spent three dollars on this shit. jesus christ. alright it’s done hang on one sec. oh my god the cheese didn’t even fucking melt. are you shitting me? this fucking manila folder of a pizza has been sitting in satans asshole for 20 minutes and the cheese has retained its form like a tardigrade in the molten sea vents of the mariana’s trench. The taste is fine. literally whatever. this taste like if you asked an AI to generate a pizza. it’s like the Lacroix of pizzas. The texture is somehow too dry and too wet at the same time. good crunch, but the sauce and cheese are somehow undercooked while the crust is overcooked. the sausages are ok i guess. who gives a shit. Not to mention the fact that this tiny little baby pizza for babies is fucking tiny as shit. this is like a pre pizza to my pizza but honestly i don’t even know if i want a pre pizza and im a 285 pound rotund certified fat fucker. I need you to understand. i eat gas station food. like those rolly taquito things that there’s always two of that you’re not sure if they’ve been there for two hours or two years. i eat those. do you understand? This pizza tastes like an AA meeting. i feel hopeless when i eat this pizza. These are man made horrors i’ve been forced to comprehend. the fact that this pizza exists is an omen for the end times. we have built a temple to pizza madness and this abomination is a sigil from god to say he’s abandoned us.